Next time you’re visiting your 20-something brother and are horrified by the state of his refrigerator, or your husband shares a vivid description of his most recent bathroom visit, don’t wonder why men are so disgusting. Know that there are training camps all over the suburbs of Washington where the youngest boys are schooled in all that’s fetid and repulsive. These camps can be disguised as anything…an innocuous-looking soccer practice, a run-of-the-mill Cub Scout troop. I discovered an underground camp on Sunday, in the guise of a birthday party for a 6-year-old boy. My own two boys, ages 6 and 3, were invited.
Among the party activities?
Chasing each other around the yard yelling “aargh” while brandishing foam swords (a pirate theme was happening)
But most popular was the Competitive Grossness event (boys’ 7 and under). To wit:
• Who can guzzle a Sprite and belch the loudest? (this didn’t reach the heights they were aspiring to, since none of the mothers were willing to allow more than one Sprite, even in the interest of science)
• Who can arm fart the loudest? (turns out none of them…they pumped with vigor but couldn’t produce sound, so they made up for it by blowing raspberries while arm-pumping. I don’t know what any of you might have been doing on Sunday, but I feel fairly certain that no one among you was spectator at a simulated arm-fart competition.)
• Whose feet are stinkiest? (They were looking for a grown-up judge, but found no takers so they had to settle this internally. I’m not sure how my own team fared.)
All pretty tame, but remember, these are LITTLE boys. I shudder at the thought of the atrocities and excesses that await when they join the 8-12 demographic. I distinctly remember the boys in my classes in Parochial school competing for “lunger” distance, (if you don’t know what a “lunger” is, then trust me that ignorance is bliss), and the competitive farts were not of the arm variety. I might need to construct and move into a separate wing of the house when they reach that age.