Monday, December 3, 2007

Adult Education

I've been tagged by the brilliant Sauntering Soul (if you haven't read her hysterical D.R.U.G.S. series, you should do so as soon as humanly possible). The theme is Real Life Curriculum, and you need to write about 5 classes that you'd take if you could, including one from the person who tagged you.

First, the class I'd take from my tagger's curriculum:

Follow Through for Beginners
I'm a 42-year-old undergraduate. Need I say more?

Now, 4 more from my own academic wishlist:

How to Become a World-Class, Asskicker of an "Olympics?ThatShit’sForAmateurs" Athlete with Absolutely NO Natural Coordination, Speed, Endurance, or Strength.
I haven’t yet really worked out the mechanics of how this class will help me to achieve this goal. I have no athletic talent at all, except that I’m a pretty good swimmer. I can’t throw a ball, I run a mile in about 45 minutes, and I can’t even do a cartwheel…and that’s not because I’m too old…I never COULD do a cartwheel.
Perhaps it’s not really a class at all, but a combination of drugs (excuse me) "nutritional supplements" and bionic-style technological wizardry implanted directly into my body that will enable me to run a marathon with no training, ice skate so well that Tonya Harding will issue a fatwa, and do all sorts of Cirque du Soleil tricks to amaze and entertain friends and family.

How to Get Through an Entire Day Without Giving a Shit or Even Thinking for One Second About How You Look
This would be huge. I’m not that vain, actually. I wear very little makeup, my hair is of the low-maintenance variety, and I’ll wear (ok, only occasionally) some unfortunate looking shit rather than be late in the morning. I can shower, fix my hair, put on makeup, get dressed and be out of the house in 30 minutes. But insecurity about appearance has always been one of my weaknesses, and I’d LOVE to be free of it. In some ways, age has helped; I’m much more self-accepting and much less self-conscious than I was at 21. But in others, getting older is just a beyotch and there’s no way around that. I notice EVERY flaw and imperfection that age and child-bearing have wrought on my body. The thing is that I DON’T see those things in other people…I’m always amazed at how gorgeous all of my 40- and 50-something friends are.

How NOT to Get Pissed Off at Stupid Shit
Of course I’d have to look MUCH harder for blog material, wouldn’t I? This might just be one of those “be careful what you wish for” things.

How to Earn Ridiculous Amounts of Money Using Your Arcane, Little-Appreciated Talents
This class will focus on the essentials of creating and then exploiting an enormous but heretofore untapped market for talents not generally recognized. For example, I’m an excellent speller. Very few of the Scripps-Howard words stump me. (I’m also rather good at punctuation.) I excelled at breast-feeding. I know that it’s hard for many people, but it just came easily to me. I can untangle anything…your necklace, the computer cords, the Christmas tree lights…hand it over, and I’ll have it straightened out in no time (although I can no longer do the necklace thing without my glasses, so if you’re out somewhere with me, and you notice that your necklace has a knot in it, you’re probably out of luck). Clearly, I should be earning millions more than I actually do, except that there appears to be little to no market for my advanced spelling skills (damn Microsoft and the spellcheck…but as I have observed many times, if you don’t know the difference between which one and the witch who flies on a broom, spellcheck is not going to help you—but I could! And for a very reasonable per-word fee!), wet nurses are no longer in demand, and not once has anyone written a check payable to me after I’ve untangled their garden hoses or rosary beads (you’re welcome, Nana…ungrateful old woman). I’m thinking that this class will teach me how to become the Martha Stewart of spelling or untangling (maybe not the breast-feeding), taking the most mundane skill and turning it into a brand-name marketing behemoth that devours everything in its path. I’ll appear on the Today show several mornings a week, and people with think “oh my God, there’s that damn spelling woman again! I got your onomatopoeia right here, bitch.” But I’ll be laughing at the haters from my 100-acre spread in the country, publishing a book every year, taping my daily XM radio broadcast and paying a staff of Ivy League graduates to write my blog (years later, one of them will write a “Devil Plays Scrabble” memoir about the nightmare of working for me, which will be turned into a movie for which Julianne Moore will win her first Oscar. I’ll refuse to publicly comment about the book or the movie).

I am tagging: Spartacus (you got me last time), Fran, Lady, and WorkerMommy. Have fun!


Anonymous said...

Oh no! Not another tag! LOL.

CDP, I graciously accept. My answers will be in the mail soon. They'll arrive shortly after you receive your checks from...whomever. (ha ha)

Sauntering Soul said...

Great job! And thanks for the kind words.

I have a ginormous mess of necklaces in a knot right now. Let me know if you ever come through Atlanta. I'll give you a dollar if you get them untangled. :-)

CDP said...

Excellent! See, it's working already. A dollar here, a dollar there...I'm going to call the real estate people now, 100-acre country spreads take some time to find!

Spartacus--see's already starting to roll in!

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I love getting tagged - especially stuff like this as opposed to what kind of shampoo I use, etc..

We'd have a very similar course schedule.

CDP said...

Me too...I like to write about myself, that's why I blog! This one was fun.

FranIAm said...

Tagabout is fair play and I am in! It just may be slow!! There are two tags in front of this one and as you know I just finished one!

Worker Mommy said...

Dammit... my first class needs to be Learning how to graciously accept a tag. (HA)

This one is kind of fun though- so you're forgiven ;)

CDP said...

I don't mind if you don't do it...I definitely don't want it to be a chore!

Anonymous said...

Hey, that's great to know that you can untangle stuff. I have a drawer full of tangled necklaces. If you come over, I will generously ply you with alcohol until you finish :)

CDP said...

No cash payment? OK, alcohol will do. Maybe I need to rethink this new career in untangling stuff.

Anonymous said...

CDP-Just want you to know you're next on the list. I started working on my response during my morning commute. BTW, my trainquaintances think this is a great idea and offered me a few gems I just might use. As for the check...well...errr...I mailed it a few days ago. You didn't get it? That's what you get for letting the government do what private enterprise can screw...(strike that) do better.

CDP said...

OK, I'll let it go this time...I need to start requiring wire transfer payments for my spelling and untangling services...there have been an inordinate number of "checks lost in the mail". Hmmmm.

Whiskeymarie said...

When you figure out #5 please forward the results to me first. I'd like to get a jump it.

CDP said...

WM--sure. As long as you don't try to encroach on my spelling, punctuating, or untangling turf.

Anonymous said...

It's up CDP. I've answered the tag. Thanks for untangling these thoughts for me, and feel free to check my spelling.

FranIAm said...

I have finally finished!

rebecca said...

Hi, I just found you from Suzel's Sass, and I love your blog--so funny and clever I want to stop posting my own thoughts and just have links to blogs like yours. I love your last class idea--I have racked my brain for years trying to figure out how to make money off my amazing crossword skills. Thanks for a great blog.

CDP said...

I'm coming right over there!

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