Monday, April 21, 2008

I got your thesis statement, right here.

Freshman comp sucks.

This could be the thesis statement for the research paper I'm writing now (the last paper for this class, which ends on May 2, and not one moment too soon). Unfortunately, we can't just write about whatever inspires us; we were given a list of topics from which to choose. I have chosen Net Neutrality, a subject that is of marginal interest to me. This semester, I've written a defiinition paper, a compare/contrast paper, and a persuasion paper (and if these idiotic assignments continue, let's see if I can persuade myself to finish school this time). For those of you who finished college 20 years ago, isn’t it nice to know that some things never change?

Here are examples of the classic freshman comp genres. These will be apropos of absolutely nothing, devoid of emphatic organization and appropriate transition words, and lacking utterly in any citations, MLA-style or APA-style. You may post my grade in the comments.

Compare and Contrast:
Raw chocolate chip cookie dough, although an invitation to salmonella, is excellent (to those of you familiar with Philadelphia’s Main Line: When driving by Minella’s Diner, did you ever wonder if Mr. Minella’s first name was Salvatore?). Chocolate-chip cookie dough ice cream is an abomination. I have no intention of offering anything to support either of these two assertions.

Compare and Contrast 2:
I like wearing black opaque tights in the winter, whether they’re current or not. They’re like a nice warm sock for your whole leg. I hate wearing sheer hose. Black opaque tights, with proper care, will last you from one presidential election to the next. Sheer hose will self-destruct almost immediately upon contact with your leg. The last pair of $11 sheer hose that I purchased exploded in my hand as soon as I removed it from the package. This seems like the perfect subject upon which to use the classic “man on the moon” argument. We figured out how to put the former on the latter, so why can’t sheer hose last for more than one wearing?

I define "reasonable rainfall" as that amount which is sufficient to ensure green grass, pretty flowers, and avoidance of drought. I define "excessive rainfall" as the nearly four inches that has fallen in Maryland in the last 24 hours.

There are Peanut M&Ms in the vending machine downstairs that have been calling my name since I got here this morning. It is very likely that I will be persuaded to buy them and eat them.


Jess Wundrun said...

I always thought that you should be able to deduct the price of nylons from your taxes.

Sauntering Soul said...

Peanut M&M's. Now why did you have to go and bring those up? Now I want some.

BeckEye said...

You're belatedly tagged.

CDP said...

Jess--I KNOW! I've had jobs in which we were actually required to wear them, and I always thought they should be deductible.

SS--stay strong! I haven't caved yet, so I figure I can get through the next hour without them.

Worker Mommy said...

My opinions:(not that you asked) nylons of any kind suck. I will never take a job that makes me wear them.

Cookie dough ice cream and raw cookie dough are awesome. I would take a bath in them if I didn't think they might taste funny after me lying in it.

No comment on rainfall, after all I have chosen to live in Seattle

Peanut M&M's - We'll if they are calling then by all means you must answer. Your tummy will thank you for it.

DCup said...

Amen to the suggestion that pantyhose be deductible.

Meh to the peanut M&Ms. On that one thing, I am a purist. (I know, don't hate me for it.)

I laughed when I read this because I'd just finished mixing up some chocolate chip cookie dough and was debating on whether I should save some in the freezer for "emergencies." But in ice cream? Non, merci.

I'm still dang proud of you for getting through school. I wish I had it in me.

CDP said...

WM--That's now one of my criteria for accepting a new job.

Dcup--Thanks. My motivation is at an all-time low right now.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Stop maknig me learn stuff. I want to reamain blissfully dumb.

CDP said...

Dr. M--I ain't made you learn nothin'.

Wyldth1ng said...

Off point: If I successfully write and publish a book, then go to college and an english professor fails me, what would that make me?

You don't have to answer, I am using you to brain storm a bit.

enc said...

I loved this. You kept me in a thrall all the way to the end, and you delivered the payoff. Nice one.

Spartacus said...

I don't know anything hose never wore them. Wool suits and long johns on the really cold days for me. As for M&M with peanuts, love 'em. Go get yourself a pack. Ya know you want to.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I skip the whole tights vs hose argument and just wear pants all the time. But your observation that that hose "self-destruct" on contact made me giggle aloud.

I only eat raw batter or cookie dough if I make it myself and can attest to the freshness of the eggs.

FranIAm said...


and last long too!

Good luck with all your learnin' and stuff. School... I graduated from college 29 years ago. School scares me now.

Learning however does not.

CDP said...

Wyld--I think that that would make you a rebuke to higher education.

ENC--Thank you!

Spartacus--I made it through the end of the day having successfully avoided the Peanut M&Ms. Who knows what will happen today.

Lady--Yes, I forgot to add that disclaimer, but I also only eat raw cookie dough that I have made myself

Fran--Learning and school are two entirely different things, aren't they?

The Guv'ner said...

The last time I bought sheer hose (NEVER wear stockings/tights EVER)was for a job interview and I put my finger through them when putting them on. Damn things. Inconvenient and uncomfortable. I like the opaque black ones though with a shorter skirt. Those are acceptable. Really I'm a comfort slob and would live in jeans all the time if i could.

What am I saying..I DO!

Peanut M&Ms are my idea of candy hell. If someone asked me "Guv, what is the one thing you would most hate to find in an Easter basket - the equivalent of finding a cockroach in your salad?" I would shudder and reply "PEANUT M&Ms". Food of the devil.

Your word veri was YAYSHAG.

I don't know what to say to that being a Brit and all.

CDP said...

Ha, "YAYSHAG". Tee hee.
Why do you not love peanut M&Ms? I'm struggling to understand this.

WendyB said...

Stop making me hungry.

pistols at dawn said...

Sweet Christ, those intro English courses are the worst things imaginable. I think they may be single-handedly responsible for most adults' hatred for reading and writing.

CDP said...

WendyB--I will, if you stop molesting flowers.

Pistols--yes, Writing 101 and the APA Style Guide (neither stylish nor a guide--discuss) could make a person lose her will to live.

Sauntering Soul said...

I just tagged you. And then I realized Beckeye had already tagged you. That means you really need to do this meme.

CDP said...

SS--I am going to do that, I started it and will probably post it today.

dguzman said...

This former freshman composition teacher approves of several of your topics. Now get to work!

CDP said...

Oh, all right. (dramatic sigh)

Mathman6293 said...

Can I turn-in my comment late? You know I am more about understanding the concept than doing homework. But I missed class because well I have this job...

Dr. Zaius said...

Sheer hose can be used as a Weapon of Mass Destruction? And they are only $11!?!? A bargain!

CDP said...

Mathman--no deadline for comments! They're always welcome

Dr. Z--I wonder if that's why I keep seeing Donald Rumsfeld hanging around the hosiery department at Macy's. Hmmm.

All material on this blog copyright CDP 2007-2010 unless otherwise noted.