I have this theory. And the fact that this theory has been proven dead wrong nearly every single time I’ve ever tested it has not swayed me one bit from believing in its legitimacy. My theory is that if you turn on your car radio and your ears are assaulted by a vile piece of musical excrescence you should leave that radio station alone, because SURELY, the next song they play will HAVE to be a good one.
So last night on my way home from the hair salon, I tested this theory again. I turned my radio on, and started pushing buttons, bypassing commercials and Glenn Beck until I heard “Lady in Red. Dancing with me. Cheek to cheek.”
OK, I think, the next song HAS to be good, to make up for this. My theory will be proven true. Only not this time. Because this time, the next song was Kid Rock’s “All Summer Long”.
Here are some reasons why I hate this musical piece of ess (Thank you Pistols for introducing me to what I now call “Church Lady Cursing”. My efforts to clean up my language in front of my children have been aided by this innovation. Although, really, do I want my 7 year old entering second grade saying thing like “more effing math homework?” or “What the eff? Peanut butter on wheat bread again? Anybody want to trade?” Damn it. ANOTHER thing that I have to rethink entirely). Anyway, back to the reasons why I hate this song:
Kid Rock (this reason could stand alone, actually). If he could just stick to kicking Tommy Lee’s ass, I’d have no objection to his existence, but he insists on making music.
It samples from a song that I like very much (Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London") and a song that I really hate (Lynyrd Synyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama"). Seamlessly, so that now these two songs will be inextricably linked in the musical memory of a generation.
The lyrics. Let's take a look, shall we?
"We were trying different things
We were smoking funny things"
See that? How he rhymed "things" with "things"? Hey, Kid Rock, here, right off the top of my head, no consultation of a rhyming dictionary, is a whole effing LIST of words that rhyme with "things":
And that’s the real reason I hate this song, because it’s not a song. It’s a product. It really sounds like some music producers were brainstorming and decided to take a few recognizable musical phrases, throw in some uninspired lyrics about teenage American summers and get Kid Rock to record it.
But the theory can’t be SO wrong that a third musical insult would be offered, right? I should really just listen to this hot summer mess all the way through, because now they REALLY have to play something awesome. It’s just basic counter-programming.
“I’m goin’ out tonight
I’m feelin’ all right
I’m gonna let it all hang out…”
Man. I feel like a moron.