Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I Saw Kid Rock with a Chinese Menu in His Hands. My Hair Was Perfect.

I have this theory. And the fact that this theory has been proven dead wrong nearly every single time I’ve ever tested it has not swayed me one bit from believing in its legitimacy. My theory is that if you turn on your car radio and your ears are assaulted by a vile piece of musical excrescence you should leave that radio station alone, because SURELY, the next song they play will HAVE to be a good one.

So last night on my way home from the hair salon, I tested this theory again. I turned my radio on, and started pushing buttons, bypassing commercials and Glenn Beck until I heard “Lady in Red. Dancing with me. Cheek to cheek.”

OK, I think, the next song HAS to be good, to make up for this. My theory will be proven true. Only not this time. Because this time, the next song was Kid Rock’s “All Summer Long”.

Here are some reasons why I hate this musical piece of ess (Thank you Pistols for introducing me to what I now call “Church Lady Cursing”. My efforts to clean up my language in front of my children have been aided by this innovation. Although, really, do I want my 7 year old entering second grade saying thing like “more effing math homework?” or “What the eff? Peanut butter on wheat bread again? Anybody want to trade?” Damn it. ANOTHER thing that I have to rethink entirely). Anyway, back to the reasons why I hate this song:

Kid Rock (this reason could stand alone, actually). If he could just stick to kicking Tommy Lee’s ass, I’d have no objection to his existence, but he insists on making music.

It samples from a song that I like very much (Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London") and a song that I really hate (Lynyrd Synyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama"). Seamlessly, so that now these two songs will be inextricably linked in the musical memory of a generation.

The lyrics. Let's take a look, shall we?
"We were trying different things
We were smoking funny things"
See that? How he rhymed "things" with "things"? Hey, Kid Rock, here, right off the top of my head, no consultation of a rhyming dictionary, is a whole effing LIST of words that rhyme with "things":
Sings
Rings
Brings
Wings
Flings
Wing-dings
Ding-a-ling-a-lings
And Ka-chings

And that’s the real reason I hate this song, because it’s not a song. It’s a product. It really sounds like some music producers were brainstorming and decided to take a few recognizable musical phrases, throw in some uninspired lyrics about teenage American summers and get Kid Rock to record it.

But the theory can’t be SO wrong that a third musical insult would be offered, right? I should really just listen to this hot summer mess all the way through, because now they REALLY have to play something awesome. It’s just basic counter-programming.

“I’m goin’ out tonight
I’m feelin’ all right
I’m gonna let it all hang out…”

Man. I feel like a moron.

30 comments:

The Guv'ner said...

He's also a bit of a heart throb with the ladies, a fact I find more confusing than his lyrics. I mean are the ladies in question BLIND ladies? Retarded ladies? Senile?

It's like if you looked in a dictionary under "white trash" there'd be Kid Rock's photo, sitting topless in a pick up with a beer and a rifle and a jar full of frogs.

DivaJood said...

Shouldn't he be changing his name from "Kid" to "Middle-age with a paunch" Rock?

And this is why dog invented the ipod.

CDP said...

Guv~ I know, and I would bet that they are also ladies with impaired olfactory capability, as Mr. Rock doesn't look like he showers frequently.

Divajood--I do have an iPod, but I don't have a fancy car adapter, so I'm at the mercy of the radio when I'm in the car.

Michaéle said...

Sounds like a knock-off of Tim McGraw's song...dang, what is that title? "I had a barbeque stain on my white t-shirt, you were killing me in that mini skirt, skipping rocks on the river by the railroad tracks..." shoot, whatever...but the KR song reminds me of that and Tim McGraw..well, that hunka man just gets better looking every year.

DCup said...

Oh, dear lord. Now the title makes sense. It took me a minute.

Kid Rock got into a fight with some yahoos here in Georgia at a Waffle House.

Actually, there isn't one surprising fact in that statement.

Nevermind.

enc said...

I think that every once in awhile, it's nice to submerge ourselves in the quagmire of cr@p that is Kid Rock, just to remind ourselves just how cr@p he really is.

Let's look at the facts, shall we?
1. Stringy, dirty hair
2. Seven o'clock peachfuzz/shadow
3. Idiotic hat
4. Wardrobe culled from select Detroit dumpsters
5. Lack of lyrical skills
6. Poor choices in relationship partners
7. Awful taste in beer
8. Paucity of musical talent

Ahhh, now that's top-shelf cr@p!

susan said...

We got an i-pod car radio adapter. It's not quite like this one but basically the same idea and it's wonderful. You'll never be at the mercy of the corporate program directors again

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Take a deep breath and then exhale slowly.

CDP said...

Michaele--and that song was probably derived from something else. As far as I'm concerned, Bruce Springsteen wrote every song that ever needed to be written about American working class teenage summer nights. No one else ever needs to write one, ever.

Dcup--see, the title was just going to be "I saw KR with a Chinese menu..." and then I realized that I'd also JUST gotten my hair cut, so I threw in the hair part, too.

enc--you have completely covered it. His celebrity remains a mystery to me.

susan--I'll look into it. I do like the serendipity of just finding a great song on the radio, it just doesn't happen often enough.

Dr. M--yes, I'm over it now.

liss n kids said...

I agree with everything you have said. (I'm not limiting that to this post, btw.)

CDP said...

Liss--thank you! Can you get my husband and children to sign statements to that effect? Thanks

surviving myself said...

If I ever saw Kid Rock, I'd punch him in the knees and then spit on his car keys.

That's just how much I hate him.

CDP said...

SM--
You would punch him in the knees/
You would spit on his car keys...

See, you're already a better lyricist than he is.

Dr Zibbs said...

I must admit. I used to hate Kid Rock. Then I got a CD from the library and he's actually pretty good.

Falwless said...

When I first heard this song I sort of liked it. Then I heard it again and realized how fucking cheesy it was. Then I heard it a third time, but before it played the DJ informed me it was Kid Rock. I didn't believe him. Because I don't hate Kid Rock. And Kid Rock doesn't usually make music this cheesy. But this song sounds like a cheese festival. Godddd. Awful.

But then I heard it a fourth and fifth and twelvth time and I'm back to sort of liking it, not least of all for its sheer cheese-tasticness.

And yes, I am always this fickle.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

The radio in my town is so miserable that I never even bothered programming any of the stations in my car. The result is a mixed blessing I suppose - I never have to hear crappy music, but then I never get to hear anything good either (on the off chance that good music is played). I'll stick to the muscial time warp I've created with my iPod where Joy Division and Cake are always in heavy rotation.

CDP said...

Falwless--OK, then you'll be back to hating this song's guts in no time!

Lady--There's still just something special about radio in the car, I just wish it didn't suck 80% of the time.

dguzman said...

Oh, sweet (parenthetical). Your theory is crap, much like the music on the radio. I'm sorry to break this to you, but I sense you already knew it deep down in your (heart). Try CDs or NPR. Either way, you'll never have to hear any of that ess again.

Now--to the question of rewriting Kid Rock's lyrics:
We were trying different things
We were smoking ding-a-lings.

Where's my money?

CDP said...

Dguzman--when I'm sitting here blogging, I KNOW that my theory is crap, but when I'm in the car on a nice day and the radio is on, I think "just this once..."

Check's in the mail, sister.

susan said...

I hate to admit it but we have 13k pieces of music (can't say songs cause many aren't) on our i-pod. Shuffle mode is pretty wild. Anyway, I wanted to tell you the unit we have is called an i-trip - no power, charge connector just a little wireless device that lets the i-pod play through the radio.

WendyB said...

Lady in Red gives me hives.

Dr. Zaius said...

"My theory is that if you turn on your car radio and your ears are assaulted by a vile piece of musical excrescence you should leave that radio station alone, because SURELY, the next song they play will HAVE to be a good one."

It does seem like it would only be fair, doesn't it? But you are right, it never works out that way.

CDP said...

Susan--wow, that's a lot! I do love my iPod, so I'll look into the iTrip.

WendyB--I bet it gave the Lady in Red hives too...that's probably the "red" to which the alleged songwriter refers.

Dr. Z--My vote is still up for grabs...if you and Ms. Gregarious can ban Lady in Red and other vile songs from commercial radio, you might have my support. (and a diplomatic post in the Azores wouldn't hurt, either...)

pistols at dawn said...

I've often said that at some point, we're going to have to explain Kid Rock to our children and atone for it somehow.

And the effing and essings are catchy as hell, though when friends' kids start saying "Eff ye," the same way we do, it's really no less bad.

CDP said...

Pistols--I'm a strong advocate of free speech, but if Congress decides to revoke Kid's First Amendment rights, I'll be OK with it. Because that ess is effed up.

BeckEye said...

Oh Lord...I HATE that Kid Rock "song" also. My nieces made a bunch of mix CDs for our road trip and that was on it and I skipped over it every time. They were mad, but I had to put my foot down on that one. But then any time we would try the radio, it would come on and I had to change the station. Even though I managed to change it before it did any serious damage, it still pissed me off every time. I guess just because it exists.

Charm City Barfly said...

A.) You are completely right about that p.o.s song. It sucks.

B.) Yet how can you hate Sweet Home Alabama? Seriously?

c.) That is the best title to a post I have seen in a long time. Simply awesome.

CDP said...

Beckeye--I knew I could count on you to take a stand.

CCB--thanks! OK, with Sweet Home, I will acknowledge that it's a great rock song, I just don't happen to like it...but I also don't think that it's crap. And now I must visit you, since you're a Free State blogger.

Wyldth1ng said...

I think he recorded a good song once.

Wyldth1ng said...

I like listening to that song though when at the bar because I think that someone may have played a skynard song or maybe a mellencamp song will be coming up next

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