Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I only WISH my head was in a vise

Hey! My paper seems to have written itself, thoughtfully including complete Chicago-style documentation! And I’ll be damned if the house hasn’t cleaned itself too…that’s the first time in four years that the windows have been washed! I think I’ll wait until about 3:30 pm on Thursday, because I don’t see any reason why the Thanksgiving dinner won’t cook and serve itself too!

(waits for a bit, comes back)

No, that didn’t work. I was testing my powers of positive thought; apparently, they suck. Meanwhile, sitting here blogging isn’t going to help me get any of this done, so I think I’ll sit here and blog, amusing myself with random observations about random things, chosen completely at random!

-I’ve been Christmas shopping at Etsy; has anyone else noticed that there seem to be an extraordinary number of artists who specialize in very cute bird paintings and prints? It’s like a self-consciously quirky online modern folk-art aviary.

-Have you seen that completely freaky commercial for a migraine medication, the one in which desperate migraine sufferers actually remove their heads? It’s an advertising acknowledgement of the phenomenon I refer to as “dueling migraines”. (Please accept my apologies if you are a migraine sufferer and this comes across as snarky. I get migraines, too, but I’m fortunate in that I only have them twice a year or so.) Anyway, as the women in this commercial describe the searing unbearable pain of their respective migraines, I wonder what it is about that particular ailment that lends itself to competitive suffering. Every conversation about migraines that I have ever witnessed has involved an astonishing level of one-upmanship. Sufferer #1 says that her migraines are devastatingly painful. Sufferer #2 says that HER migraines are not only devastatingly painful, they’re completely debilitating. Sufferer #1 then says that HERS are debilitating too; when she has one, she can’t do anything but lie down in a darkened room. Sufferer #2 smugly says that she only WISHES that lying down in a darkened room could relieve her pain. Sufferer #1, now slightly defensive, says that her migraine pain can be compared only to cranial impalement with a flaming iron spike. Sufferer #2 then delivers the final and crushing blow, revealing that her migraines are caused by ACTUAL flaming iron spikes driven through her head, which can be removed only with surgical intervention. Sufferer #1, acknowledging defeat, skulks away.

-Are you acquainted with anyone who insists on telling stories about family, friends, or neighbors, referring to those people by their first names with no preface or explanation, as if you are expected to know them as well as the speaker? I have worked with someone with this habit for four years now, and I learned very quickly that the only proper response is to nod knowingly when she refers in conversation to “Jessica” or “Marvin”, because asking who those people are will lead to an answer of really just unacceptable length.

Enough of this. I need to get back to Jimmy, Hamilton, and Zbig now. You know how they are. You don’t? Sit down and I’ll tell you.

17 comments:

FranIAm said...

Oh honey - I send good thoughts. You so need a break.

A friend of mine used to work at Etsy, that was the only time I really looked at it.

3carnations said...

I actually have the opposite problem - A person who describes their acquaintances by both first and last name, as though that extra information will make me know who the person is.

pistols at dawn said...

I do have friends who reference people I've never met, so I just figure their stories are like The Big Sleep - you can write down every character and map it out, but all you'll discover is that you don't care, and it doesn't make sense anyway.

dguzman said...

Your train of thought is one wild ride, baby.

Suze said...

You should talk to my mom and my aunt. Not only do they tell you about someone you never met, but they tell you every possible detail about their lives. Ugh, I need some migraine medicine.

Matty Boy said...

When your friends get competitive about their hemorrhoid symptoms, then you know.

Time to make some new friends.

DCup said...

My mother in law was notorious for the "you know who I'm talking about" thing. Drove MathMan crazy. He spent half his conversations with her saying who?

WendyB said...

I've never seen the migraine commercial but I think I'm going to have nightmares about it anyway.

CDP said...

Fran--I do, don't I?

3Carn--no preface, right? Just "Patty Smith and I were at the movies" and no explanation as to who Patty might be. It's mystifying.

Pistols--exactly why I don't ask anymore. I'll get tripped up one day, since someone will then ask about one of the people whom I've pretended to know all about, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Dguzman--seriously. I only scratch the surface here.

Suze--and without ever explaining exactly why you're expected to know who these people are, right?

Matty--word.

Dcup--my mom does that ALL the time. At least she'll give me some hint though...Mary blah blah, you know, she used to be Aunt Ruth's neighbor when she lived on Summit Avenue...as opposed to my coworker, who just launches into stories about these people as if I'm well acquainted with them.

CDP said...

WendyB--it's icky. And not that effective either, since I cannot remember the name of the drug that it advertises.

enc said...

Jimmy's new in town.

Hamilton Hartford Hates' Pickled Herring.

Zbig cow ambled zlowly across zee pasture.

(sorry, I'm all out of material.)

CDP said...

enc--"zbig cow" Ha ha ha!

Michaéle said...

I totally get what you are saying. You know, Judy was just telling me about that the other day. Of course, she and Shirley still aren't speaking and Tom, well, you know how TOM can be....

susan said...

Congratulations on the self written paper and the self-cleaned house. You should be feeling more than relaxed enough to help out by cooking the Thanksgiving dinner. Hope it's a good day for you.

CDP said...

Michaele--See, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Not who, of course, but what.

Susan--OK, I guess I can manage that much!

Utah Savage said...

Happy Thanksgiving, and may no one talk about their strange acquaintances unless the story is hilarious even if you don't know the person they're talking about.

CDP said...

Utah--thanks, you too!

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