Sunday, November 23, 2008

Suffer the Little Children

Sorry, Kid:

More examples, if any were needed, of the Dickensian harshness of my children's lives, and the callous cruelty with which I scoff at their suffering.

Sorry, Kid (4-year-old edition)

I know, it is cold, isn't it? But if you insist upon rolling your pant legs up to your thighs, you will continue to be cold. Sorry, kid.

If you have a treat, say, a dish of ice cream, or cookies, and you eat 80% of it, and then the thought of another, and better treat occurs to you, you don't get to tell me that you don't want the first treat anymore. Because you've already eaten it. That ship has sailed. Sorry, kid.

Yes, you do have to wash your hands EVVY TIME! Sorry, kid.

Sorry, Kid (7-year-old edition):

If you ask what we're having for dinner, and I tell you, and then you respond with the follow-up question "well, what am I having?", the answer will always be "the same thing that the rest of us are having." Sorry, kid. (and bon appetit).

Sorry, Kid (all ages)

It does hurt to stomp on a Lego piece in your bare feet, doesn't it? That is why they shouldn't be on the floor. Sorry, kid.


pistols at dawn said...

I actually avoid my friends with kids for a number of reasons, but one of the main ones is that there's nothing more painful than stepping on a variety of Lego pieces which are inevitably strewn about all kid-having houses. It's a minefield, but one that never seems to take down the damn kids.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Those poor kids, I'd go crazy if I had to live in a gulag like that. :0)

FranIAm said...

Hehehehe- you should be paid to write this stuff sister. It is that good.

Those kids are content central. And I mean content - not, contented!!

themom said...

I can visualize the little tads packing their bags and tearfully looking over their shoulders as they go through that open door. Sorry Mom!! :)

CDP said...

Pistols--and some of them are practically infinitesimal, all but undetectable to the human eye, but more than detectable to the human foot.

Dr. M.--Gulag! Ha, I'm going to start calling my house "the gulag" when they complain about the brutal regime under which I force them to live.

Fran--I'm going to hire you to write my blurbs and reviews one day.

CDP said...

themom--I'm just that harsh.

Anonymous said...

If I had a dime for every time I stepped on a Lego - well I'd be poor. BTW, what's for dinner?

Anonymous said...

I especially like how you slid that 'bon apetit' into your pronouncement about dinner.

Have you heard grumbling about nursing homes under their breath yet? They might be too young for that. Be sure to keep them away from my kids. No point in them getting any foul ideas - yet.

MichaƩle said...

I single handedly have kept the vacuum cleaner companies in business due solely to Legos that I can't see (is it me or are those peices getting smaller) getting sucked into the vaccum and POW, there it goes.

My favorite, "Sorry, kid" is the look I get these days when I announce that yes, we ARE going to Uncle Mel's birthday party and when you ask "I don't have to go too, do I?" (standard teenager verbage), the answer is not only "Sorry kid," but "Hell yeah."

liss n kids said...

I join you in your ruthlessness on all counts. Except I refuse to accept the minimal amount of responsibility that saying "Sorry, kid" implies, so at the lissnkids house, we usually stick out our tongues and say, "Too bad, so sad!"

3carnations said...

I teach a Sunday School class, and yesterday one of the kids asked "What's for snack?" I told him crackers, and he said "I don't want any." When I passed out the snack, he said "I don't want any crackers. I'll have something else." I said "There's not a choice; this is our snack." He said "I'll have crackers then." Good choice. :)

CDP said...

Dcup--not yet, Ha! My sister (2 boys 11 and 7) always jokes about how sometimes her kids look at her when they're mad, and the resemblance to the Menendez brothers is frightening.

Michaele--the Lego pieces ARE getting smaller. And "Hell yeah"...I like it!

Liss--that's a good one too!

3Carnations--excellent choice, and it's amazing how they'll compromise when the alternative is nothing.

CDP said...

Suze--it was white bean and chicken chili. When 7yo asked about dinner, and I told him what we were having he said "white bean WHAT? Do I have to eat that too?"

Stephanie said...

and an extension - "you're hungry? guess you should've eaten what I cooked. sorry kid!"

and another - "the dog ate your bakugan? guess you shouldn't have left it on the living room floor. sorry kid!"

dguzman said...

Those kids don't know how lucky they are! At least you say "sorry" to them!

P.S.--You're brilliant.

CDP said...

Stephanie--so you too are a cruel and heartless woman. (cackling laughter)

Dguzman--well thanks! You can join Fran in writing my reviews.

enc said...

Come on over to my house, and teach me to develop a 12-year-old version, and a 49-year-old version!

I pay well!

BeckEye said...

When will they come out with Nerf Legos?

CDP said...

enc--I'll be right there...I never thought I'd have an opportunity to be cruel and uncaring on a professional level.

BeckEye--what an awesome idea! Yes, when will they come out with those?

Playwright Chick said...

For me, I stepped on a lot of Hot Wheels cars...but legos hurt people too!!

I have to laugh, because I clicked into this post because I thought it was titled "Suffer the Little Chicken"...and I thought it was a clever play on words.


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