Thursday, October 29, 2009

Easily Amused, Part 250

This is a busy busy week. I won't bore you with details.  Anyway, I needed to pick up groceries last night, and I also needed the usual household stuff that I always run out of at the same time.  There's a Target on the way home from my new job; it's one of those behemoth supercenters where you can buy shampoo and sweatpants and fresh produce all under one roof.  I hate those damn places.  But I thought "just this one time", because I'm so busy busy busy and look!  They have everything and I won't have to make two trips because I don't have time to make two trips because I'm so busy!

I needed bananas, because I always need bananas.  They didn't have any bananas.  There was the shelf, marked bananas, completely empty.  "Oh", I thought, "that is fucked up.  That is focked up!" The "focked up" was in a (silent) high-pitched sing-song. 

I really never use the expression "fucked up".  And I never sing-song. The high-pitched, sing-song "focked up" just popped into my head, just like that.  And it was funnn-eeeee.  Oh, how I laughed at my funny funny self, right there in the produce aisle at the supercenter. 

Not surprisingly, prices at the supercenter were higher than they are at my normal grocery store.  I was shocked at the price of 8yo's beloved Life cereal.  "It's how much? That is focked up!" I trilled to myself.

(Now is as good a time as any to confess that I can barely type for laughing.  I'm wiping actual tears off my face.)

(Seriously, it's fucked up.)

Barely stifling my glee, I rolled my cart into the juice aisle.  Both kids have class parties tomorrow, and for both parties, I'm supposed to send juice and cups.  I wanted to get two jugs each of apple and grape, but they had only apple and cranberry and cranberry-godforsaken-whodrinksthisshit-pomegranate.  I didn't think the kids would drink the cranberry, and I knew they wouldn't drink the antioxidant bilgewater.  "Cranberry pomegranate?", I thought. "Who is buying that shit? That is FOCKED UP!" 

Now I'm just openly disgracing myself.  No longer able to restrain the giddy hilarity, I was laughing out loud, blithely ignoring the mild what-the-hell looks on the faces of my fellow shoppers as they wondered what exactly was so funny.  Having searched in vain for bananas, frozen edamame, and spinach, I realized that I'd have to go to the grocery store after all.  And that?  FOCKED OPP!

I wish I could give in to simpleminded chuckleheadedness far more often.  Under normal circumstances,  being forced to endure Target and the grocery store in one trip would make me rather cranky.  Did I mention that it was raining, hard, when I came out of Target?  "This weather is focked up!" I sang, cracking myself up all the way to my car. 

It got better.  The rain kept steadily on as I loaded groceries into my car.  It was dark now, pouring, and traffic was horrid.  These are not generally conditions that inspire even mild amusement for me.  The joke was not getting old, though.  When I reached the very busy intersection of Randolph Road and New Hampshire Avenue and found that the traffic lights were out (awesome) I just laughed and laughed at another round of "focked up!", chorus and verse.  Sing it.


Elizabeth said...

Just today I was lamenting at how pomegranate and acai have ruined juices and yogurts! It's completely focked up.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Cranberry and pomegranite are merely a vehicle for vodka.

You had a little party in your mind - and I hope it never stops. No one can crack me up in public situations where not another soul gets the joke but me like ... um... me.

Embee said...

Too funny...and I can so relate!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

You are focking crazy. ;o)

Matty Boy said...

Oh shit, are those the gates of Hell? That is so FOCKED OPP!

WendyB said...

It always feels good to laugh like a crazy in front of other people!

BeckEye said...

Cracking yourself up is one of life's little pleasures.

Sauntering Soul said...

You know what's really focked up? Right now I'm thinking you are just like one of those crazy people I attract when I am out doing the most mundane of tasks (particularly getting my nails done) that I end up blogging about. Perhaps they're all really normal except I just catch them when they are having a rare crazy moment. Well, all except that guy at Publix who approached me in the parking lot recently to let me know, "I'm sorry sugar, I forgot to take my medication." He's clearly a full-time crazy.

Heather T said...

Oh, pomegranate cranberry is over the top, but have you tried blueberry pomegranate juice? I got a free sample of that stuff at a street fair in July four years ago. It was 90-something and I was jonesing for some relief. Those marketing people handed me a little bottle of that stuff and I was hooked. Trouble is it's DAMNED (enunciate every sound and get the "n" in there) expensive.

dguzman said...

You not only crack yourself up; you crack me the hell up all the time.

And, fyi, my DAD drinks that cranberry-pomegranate shite! AND he mixes it half-and-half with orange juice.

Now THAT is focked opp!!!!!

CDP said...

Elizabeth--ha ha!

Lady--me too. As I've often said, no one laughs at my jokes harder than I do.


Dr. M--takes one to focking know one.

Matty--exactly! No matter how the evening degenerated, just one "focked up" made it funny.

WendyB--I know, I can only hope that my fellow shoppers went home and told their families about the crazy lady at Target.

Beck--one of my favorites.

SS--oh my, I never considered that. For the record, though, I've only ever had a layover in Atlanta, and I didn't visit a nail salon.

Heather--I have to admit, I do like that POM pomegranate juice, but it is REALLY expensive. It's good mixed with seltzer water, though, so you can make a bottle of it last for a long time.

Dguzman--they got your dad? When will the madness stop?

Anonymous said...

You "focking" make me laugh!

enc said...

Just the laugh I needed after my cadaver class today.

CDP said...

Suze--tee hee!

enc--"cadaver class"?
What the fock?

Virtualsprite said...

I love those things that make us laugh and laugh so much. Like this post. :-)

caitlin.maia said...

I'll have you know that I buy that shit, thank you very much. And i enjoy it. :)

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